just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
