Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You are a genius and a whore.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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