My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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