i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize