Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
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