I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
ok first of all what the fuck
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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