Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
