I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
