i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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