K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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