my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
