It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
