Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
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