yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
