This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
