I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
