smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize