she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
