cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
