I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize