I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
