So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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