hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi
ok, stay where you are, be there soon
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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