I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
He felt like a one man threesome
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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