Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Everyone says I win the strip club
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
