I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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