I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize
