I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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