Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
