My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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