idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
