pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
