she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
