How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Someone came in the potted fern
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
