Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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