My room smells like vodka and shame
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Randomize
