I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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