at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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