Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
