Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
My vagina is officially offended.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Randomize
