I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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