Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
