He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I just got carded by a ten year old.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize