Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
