I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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