I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
