I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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