You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
