i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
