Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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