I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
