I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
