Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
