Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Randomize
