So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I still have a little drunk in my system
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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