Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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