i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
