dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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