I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
