I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
