my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize