my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
