I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
