Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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