What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
