I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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